I must admit during my early years of work i found it hard to concentrate on anything but my freedom, i managed to find a job at a solicitors firm and became an office Junior. My tasks were simple filing and photocopying and when i was extra good (which was not often) i would man the reception desk. I had my own office in the basement which to be fair was more of a storage room, but i was happy enough. I was sacked three times from this firm.
My first sackable offence came quite early in my contract, i (along with many other trates) love to play practical jokes. Most people working there were far too stuffy to enjoy my pranks but i did find a comrade in arms in the form of the bosses secretary on the fourth floor. Her office was situated next to the moody accountants. We shall call the secretary Jane and the accountant Dave because that was their names.
The accountant was very moody as i said but the reason was his terrible piles never let up, being in pain every time he sat his poor bottom down on his pillow. One fateful day i decided that the only way to cheer him up was to make him laugh! I started my plan by sneaking into his office and changing his screen saver to I Love Boobs instead of his fish he had on there. After that i rang the local radio station and pretended to be the Maggie (the oldest Secretary in the world) who worked in our office. I decided to pretend they were in love and have the DJ play 'two become one' by the Spice girls. Jane and i giggled about this for an hour before we got bored and i went on to put cling film over the lads toilets.
I then had a brainwave i would record myself making ghostly sounds on the Dictaphone machine and hide the tape player in my bosses room, i left a gap of about ten minutes before the sounds kicked in so it would not look suspicious as i walked out the room. I then made a few coffees and did a tiny bit of filing before i got bored and decided to play the tape in my bosses room.
I walked in there, he looked stressed as usual with sweat dripping down his face being caught by his massive eyebrows. I did some letter opening and left kicking the switch on the tape player as i went. I sat in reception and waited, and waited. After a while i was starting to worry it hadn't worked, i needn't have worried. The boss came flying out of that office like a bat out of hell, hollering that he couldn't get the voices out his head. he looked white as a sheet as we all inspected the room and found no noise (the tape had ran out). He popped some pills and decided to take a walk, before he could reach the second step the accountant pushed past him looking the opposite in colour - bright red.
He made a bee line for me and i knew i was in trouble, by now the office had grown quite an audience with all the secretary's i had harassed over my two months employment. The accountant could barely get his words out but i just kept looking at the wet patch on his trousers, then i remembered the 'splash back' gag i had done earlier and smiled. He shouted something about how his wife always listened to merica FM whilst ironing and had heard that he was having an affair with Maggie! To be honest I'm not sure if he was more worried about his wife leaving or the fact that i had changed his screen saver.
By this point the accountant was calling for my head, and the boss agreed that i should be fired. Mainly because that creep Maggie had found my tape recorder! I continued for two weeks to sneak into my office in the basement, leaving late and starting early so no one saw me. They must have thought the photocopying was being done by elves. The boss agreed to have me back if my jokes would stop, i agreed. I lasted a full week before i got myself sacked for the second time x
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Flashback - first party
I was always one of the kids at school who refused to go into a group, whether that was because they wouldn't have me or i refused to join i cannot remember. This i know, i would flit between geeks and cool kids i was every ones friend. Though getting an invite to a cool party alluded me as i was still friends with geeks. Even so one fateful day i held the holy grail in my spotty teenage hand (i had issues) an invite to a cool party !
I asked my mother and father if i could go and to my HORROR they said yes! well i almost wet my pants on the spot. So i knew my mum and dad would never let me drink alcohol at 15, to me because they were evil but now realise they were good parents. Anyway i knew i had to drink (peer pressure) so i had a brainwave - for future posts always expect something bad when this happens - i would gather together all my parents left over drink in a flask then drink it on the night!
Ok my fool proof plan or flask consisted of -
Babysham - yes that 80's classic!
red/white wine
baileys
vodka
So after 3 weeks of collecting the entrails of their drinks or stealing some as they nipped to the loo during Jurassic park i had collected a gut wrenching amount of alcohol. so the day of the party came and as everyone spoke about what they were drinking - white cider - 20/20 or some other naughty sludge i consoled myself with the fermenting liquid in my wardrobe.
The night came and i could not be happier, tonight i would be hob nobbing with the cool gang. I got ready and downed the evil bubbling liquid, it tasted like sick but what did i know? wasn't it supposed to taste like that? my mum and dad escorted me to the party (kill me) but i strolled in with a swagger of a much older persona, one that had drank the liquor cabinet!
I was dancing, i felt alive and free though not drunk my tummy was doing somersaults i put this down to the nerves. Though after i couldn't hold my farts any longer i realised i was in trouble, my body was going to EXPLODE if i didn't get to a toilet soon. I ran, ran like never before into the ladies but god everyone was kissing i could not go in here! I ran to the pub down the road, three friends joined (damn) i got to the toilet just in time.
As i sat there my bottom became one with the toilet, the smell was beyond human. My friends took cover trying to find a clean bit of air on the floor like a fire drill. there was no escape as they crawled to safety, i opened the window in the five second break my tummy gave me to find ten drunk lads on the other side having a fag. Their faces went green as they were slapped in the face by my smell.
A full hour and my body gave up, sweating and embarrassed i left the loos. My friends had vanished i could not blame them they feared their lives. I walked through the pub with my head held high to the applause which awaited me. I do not know how long it took to rid those toilets of the smell, perhaps the same amount of time it took to rid me of the name shitty pants but i learnt a lesson that night never ever ever drink out of a flask x
I asked my mother and father if i could go and to my HORROR they said yes! well i almost wet my pants on the spot. So i knew my mum and dad would never let me drink alcohol at 15, to me because they were evil but now realise they were good parents. Anyway i knew i had to drink (peer pressure) so i had a brainwave - for future posts always expect something bad when this happens - i would gather together all my parents left over drink in a flask then drink it on the night!
Ok my fool proof plan or flask consisted of -
Babysham - yes that 80's classic!
red/white wine
baileys
vodka
So after 3 weeks of collecting the entrails of their drinks or stealing some as they nipped to the loo during Jurassic park i had collected a gut wrenching amount of alcohol. so the day of the party came and as everyone spoke about what they were drinking - white cider - 20/20 or some other naughty sludge i consoled myself with the fermenting liquid in my wardrobe.
The night came and i could not be happier, tonight i would be hob nobbing with the cool gang. I got ready and downed the evil bubbling liquid, it tasted like sick but what did i know? wasn't it supposed to taste like that? my mum and dad escorted me to the party (kill me) but i strolled in with a swagger of a much older persona, one that had drank the liquor cabinet!
I was dancing, i felt alive and free though not drunk my tummy was doing somersaults i put this down to the nerves. Though after i couldn't hold my farts any longer i realised i was in trouble, my body was going to EXPLODE if i didn't get to a toilet soon. I ran, ran like never before into the ladies but god everyone was kissing i could not go in here! I ran to the pub down the road, three friends joined (damn) i got to the toilet just in time.
As i sat there my bottom became one with the toilet, the smell was beyond human. My friends took cover trying to find a clean bit of air on the floor like a fire drill. there was no escape as they crawled to safety, i opened the window in the five second break my tummy gave me to find ten drunk lads on the other side having a fag. Their faces went green as they were slapped in the face by my smell.
A full hour and my body gave up, sweating and embarrassed i left the loos. My friends had vanished i could not blame them they feared their lives. I walked through the pub with my head held high to the applause which awaited me. I do not know how long it took to rid those toilets of the smell, perhaps the same amount of time it took to rid me of the name shitty pants but i learnt a lesson that night never ever ever drink out of a flask x
Police are like buses arnt they?......
Its strange really you never notice the police around unless you are driving and doing an excessive speed, or had a LARGE wine at lunch instead of your usual small. We go about our business without ever really having to cross lines, we are parallel running smoothly together until the course changes and we find ourselves overlapping that thin blue line.
I went to work, the sun shone and the children had eaten breakfast without needing a shower afterwards. The world seemed to be going my way, this of course worried me. I looked into the sky to see if a meteor were about to crash through the sky? No, even a bird managed to direct its bottom in another direction when relieving itself to miss me. I was scared stiff, NEVER have i had a day like this. I told myself to calm down and relax my shoulders which were by now riding up and chaffing my ears with anxiety.
My whole morning went swimmingly, i was relaxing even without a Swedish massage and a bucket of plonk. I decided to go home and lunch with my husband who was working from home. He must have sold the car by now as he had put it up for sale on eBay. I pulled the car into the street where we lived and heard a terrible noise, perhaps the meteor was coming? No it was worse, MUCH worse.
As i stopped the car i saw where the noise was coming from and why, i SAW where it was coming from as two men were arguing with my husband, i saw WHY they were arguing as my husband was spread over our car bonnet while the other men tried to wrestle him off. I shouted at them as i ran up the drive much like a pre school teacher with naughty boys. They quickly regressed and stood to attention, by now the police had arrived. I split the parties up by telling them to stand in different corners (I swear my husband faced the wall!)
Myself and the nice police officers listened to both sides of the story here are the facts -
- Hubby put Car on eBay (wanted £1000) didn't worry about reserve price
- Bloke won car bidding for £600
- Hubby agreed sale before realising price
- Hubby is now band from eBay
I sold the car, for many reasons mainly because hubby was wrong but also because the neighbours were laughing and pointing. I said thank you to the officers and promised he would never do this again.
I went to school to pick the children up, i felt better now the world had righted itself, my friend bad luck was back! When i returned home , hubby went for a run with the dog to relieve HIS stress. On his return he went for a shower as usual. just then the door knocked and as i answered i saw a familiar sight, a police officer! I greeted him and asked him to step inside and what the problem was hoping they were not back to arrest hubby over breaching the peace or noise disturbance. No, there had been another disturbance at the back of our house a women had been flashed by a man JOGGING.
My hubby hearing the police officer downstairs came down in his towel, after apologising for his attire he explained he had just come back from JOGGING. It took an hour to prove my hubby was innocent, not only did the flasher not have a dog but was very different to hubby! phew!
Well as i say police are like buses see none for ages then two come along, but we managed to live to fight another day. As i wake up i now long for my tea to scold my top lip or to fall down the stairs - Good luck scares the shit out of me x
I went to work, the sun shone and the children had eaten breakfast without needing a shower afterwards. The world seemed to be going my way, this of course worried me. I looked into the sky to see if a meteor were about to crash through the sky? No, even a bird managed to direct its bottom in another direction when relieving itself to miss me. I was scared stiff, NEVER have i had a day like this. I told myself to calm down and relax my shoulders which were by now riding up and chaffing my ears with anxiety.
My whole morning went swimmingly, i was relaxing even without a Swedish massage and a bucket of plonk. I decided to go home and lunch with my husband who was working from home. He must have sold the car by now as he had put it up for sale on eBay. I pulled the car into the street where we lived and heard a terrible noise, perhaps the meteor was coming? No it was worse, MUCH worse.
As i stopped the car i saw where the noise was coming from and why, i SAW where it was coming from as two men were arguing with my husband, i saw WHY they were arguing as my husband was spread over our car bonnet while the other men tried to wrestle him off. I shouted at them as i ran up the drive much like a pre school teacher with naughty boys. They quickly regressed and stood to attention, by now the police had arrived. I split the parties up by telling them to stand in different corners (I swear my husband faced the wall!)
Myself and the nice police officers listened to both sides of the story here are the facts -
- Hubby put Car on eBay (wanted £1000) didn't worry about reserve price
- Bloke won car bidding for £600
- Hubby agreed sale before realising price
- Hubby is now band from eBay
I sold the car, for many reasons mainly because hubby was wrong but also because the neighbours were laughing and pointing. I said thank you to the officers and promised he would never do this again.
I went to school to pick the children up, i felt better now the world had righted itself, my friend bad luck was back! When i returned home , hubby went for a run with the dog to relieve HIS stress. On his return he went for a shower as usual. just then the door knocked and as i answered i saw a familiar sight, a police officer! I greeted him and asked him to step inside and what the problem was hoping they were not back to arrest hubby over breaching the peace or noise disturbance. No, there had been another disturbance at the back of our house a women had been flashed by a man JOGGING.
My hubby hearing the police officer downstairs came down in his towel, after apologising for his attire he explained he had just come back from JOGGING. It took an hour to prove my hubby was innocent, not only did the flasher not have a dog but was very different to hubby! phew!
Well as i say police are like buses see none for ages then two come along, but we managed to live to fight another day. As i wake up i now long for my tea to scold my top lip or to fall down the stairs - Good luck scares the shit out of me x
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